Diary of a Broken Vessel

Another duty day. It is what it is. I have an early watch coming up, which is nice. It knocks out my day sooner. It looks like today is going to be a great study day. I can’t access my other personal pages, emails, etc., and I am not able to call home, so I think it is time for me to reacquaint myself with some of the books that I have neglected over the past month.

I feel a lot better this morning than I did last night. I have been railing hard against a wild flood of intrusive thoughts, images, and memories. I’m not sure why there have been so many triggers as of late, but it is what it is. I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay with the things that happened in my past. I suppose the struggle is learning how to let it go.

One of the things I find myself praying to let go of in my life is the resentment I hold over having apologized for the wrongs I committed, yet having received none in return. Even still, I’m not sure that -at this place in time- an apology will do anything. I’m sure that my heart is just as hard as those whom I have been hurt by; and whom I am certain I have likewise hurt. Maybe I’m so angry because I feel the only one required to confess to my wrongs, my pride, my faults.

I think -if I’m to be honest with myself in this moment- that I am scared of what it might mean if I really let everything go. Does it justify what happened? Does it make the statement that what went wrong was okay? Is it a denial of everything I have claimed? I really do stand by everything I have claimed.

I really am sick over this. Christian music is hard to listen to, Christian movies and books are a burden, even Christian art is hard to look at because I don’t see what is being put out; instead I hear the cruel words, the unfair judgements, and that damn cross shaped box that I was made to feel guilty over because I could not fit inside.

Lord, Father, teach me to let go.

I guess one of the burdens I bear that keeps all this crap anchored in place is holding to the non-denominational Christian title. I mean that alone has done so much damage. Vague and confusing doctrine and theology. Fly by the seat of your pants spirituality. Uncertain beliefs. It has been a vex on my spirit. It is not to say that “non-denominational” doesn’t have a place, it is just that it doesn’t have a place with me.

Likewise, though I love Calvary Chapel Poulsbo with all my heart, and they will forever remain my home church, and will be the church I will call home if I find myself back in Washington, Calvary Chapel in general is not for me. The Calvary Chapel Distinctives written by Chuck Smith is filled with so much garbage and heresy that I feel that Calvary Chapel itself is not a healthy place for me to associate with. There are too many elements of personal infallibility, and a lot of dishonesty. Accountability is questionable at best within the parent structure, and the Moses Model, really? If this is what the founder is filtering down into his churches, then that is a place that I need to steer clear of.

It takes a lot to say that. I have heard so many times -in not so blatant a statement- if it ain’t us, then it is weird or sin. I bought into that line of thought for years. I was convinced that if it wasn’t Calvary Chapel then it wasn’t a truly Christian church. I was convinced that Calvary Chapel was to be the lead in all of Christendom, but that all was shattered with the things I have learned of our founder, our movement, etc.

There are some great Calvary Chapel churches out there; don’t get me wrong. I am certain that there must be more like the one I called home. It is just with the things I have learned, seen, heard, experienced, read, researched, I know that it is not the place for me.

I’ve said it. I never thought I would be able to find the strength to say it, but I said it.

So I move on from here. If there are questions or challenges to what I have said, please feel free to question. I don’t mean to harm anyone. I am at a crossroad that must be dealt with and it has taken a long time to get here.

Water Line
By Sage Francis

I just sit there
And let the thoughts flood
And I remind myself, “It’s all right, it’s all good, it’s all love”
It’s not though
Cause there’s a kink in the armor
A pot hole I’m sinking in
While I think of the drama
So I stand up
Start to pace in my living room
Set my eye to the highway knowing that I’ll play chicken soon
There’s a vanity plate with my name on it
There’s a Davey Crockett hat with a Masonic fat cat under it
A musket rifle spitting at my feet
They want me to dance in the middle of the street
And I respect my elders, so I do as I’m told
But I offset the bell curve when I do it with soul
Losing control
Guilty feet do have rhythm
They just dance to the wrong theme music to amuse the villain
Instead of killing, I’ll spare the raccoon
And start filling sandbags as I stare at the moon and let the thoughts flood
Blessed are those who are dammed
When the levee broke
How many choked on the steps to a slow dance?
A staircase to a hug with no hands
Accountability hung out to dry on the line of command
We let the thoughts flood
We remind ourselves “It’s all right, it’s all good, it’s all love”
It’s not though
Cause there’s a kink in the armor
A pot hole I’m sinking in
Sharing a drink with my father
It’s a family affair
The vanity we share
The waterline is rising
All we do is stand there
The waterline is rising
And all we do is stand there

I am so invested in them because I was so much a part of them. I had relationships, participated, placed so much faith in their codes, their lead, in their definitions of God and what relationship with God looked like. I placed so much of myself in that place even though I felt more a tolerated guest or an outsider granted permission to observe than a member of the family. And above all I loved them…and I think that somewhere deep down inside I still love them.

My family lays in tatters now, and they have added to the fires unrebuked and unchastised. Unresolved demons I thought I could let go and let lay…the way they always taught…stir and grumble. You don’t address the wrongs, you accept them, forgive, and pretend that nothing is wrong. Just like then, I find that I can’t submit to such bastardization of Scripture for their convenience. Here there is serious sickness.

Personal infallibility can get us nowhere fast. We have all committed heinous acts in the name of pride. I believe he remained silent because he was scared of what could come if he opened his mouth and let the locus fly out. Like then, I can’t fall in line with the training that was given…don’t utter a word unless scripted, and what you say won’t count unless we say you count lest you be a device of Division.

I’m so very sick over all of this. I’m really hurting over all of this. I’m really struggling over all of this. I feel as if I will never find resolution. I feel that nothing I say will ever be heard.

Perhaps the curse is that I’m not really ready to give up. Perhaps my love for them overwhelms my desire to just walk away and leave them to rot. White washed tombs, but if that is all they are, then why can I not leave the brood of vipers to their own toxicity?

I have been bitten,
O you snake and liar.
How your toxin
Courses through these veins.
How your sting pulses
Even after you have gone your way.

What confusion I have found.
What distrust I know!
What sickness festers in the bowels of my belly!
What visions melt away my sight!

Is this the God whom you have given me?
Is this the God whom you demanded I praise?
A god of confusion?
A god of idolatry?
A god of flesh and bone?

How are you so different from the priests
Who say only they can clearly hear God?
How are you so different from those
Who raise veils between men and God?
How are you so different from they
Who excuse sin for false piety and pride?

My heart aches and splinters!
My spirit cries out!
My prayers go out beseeching their redemption!
My life quakes at the heresy I have seen.

Why can I not let go!
Why do their voices
Scream and echo throughout my being?
Why do their faces
Haunt my every step?

O brood who praise in white washed tombs
Awaken to the Love of the LORD your God!
Harken your hearts to the sound of His Voice!
Shatter your icons, your idols, and your images!
Present yourselves broken before Him!
Let not your hearts be hardened!
Let not your ears be deaf!
Let not your eyes be given to blindness!

Be free of the bondage that binds!
Receive the revival of His Spirit!
Away with your false gods,
Away with your false masters!
Make way for the LORD your God
To whom alone recieves Glory and Honor.

Amen.

Here are the original Unforgotten Realms episodes all in one place. Check out Urealms.com for the new and improved Unforgotten Realms series!

Unforgotten Realms

Unforgotten Realms Christmas Special

The dangers of Dungeons and Dragons.

The Lyrics of this song hit *very* close to home with me.

“Infected” -Demon Hunter

Here are the Lyrics:

I still wonder when the medicine will take it’s effect.
And the injection they made, it’s all just left me the same.
I’ts hard to concentrate with echos of your voice in my head.
From all you said, im still paralyzed.

I’m killing time just trying to find the words that fall so short of you.
I’m losing sleep, I can’t compete, I’m giving up
I can’t do this alone. (4x)
NO!

Unforgotten Realms is a hilarious web series about a geeky boy, Mike, and his cocky friend, Rob, who play a game of Unforgotten Realms. Mike and Rob draw up their characters and delve into an awkward and comedic adventure fantasy world filled with quests, curses, monsters, plot twists, and random character introductions.

The series has something for everyone; humor, intriguing characters, and a rollercoaster storyline of fun and imagination. So go! Watch! And enjoy the adventures of UNFORGOTTEN REALMS!

“Can a woman forget her nursing child,
And not have compassion on the son of her womb?
Surely they may forget,
Yet I will not forget you.
See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands…”
Isaiah 49:15-16

Maybe there is another way to fight back. Maybe it is not by kicking against the memories. Maybe it is not by raging against the poison. Maybe there is…a better way.

“Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.”
-Lamentations 3:22-23