Reflections: Where I am, Who I am, Where I am Going
19 July 2008 by Michael BrewerAnother duty day. It is what it is. I have an early watch coming up, which is nice. It knocks out my day sooner. It looks like today is going to be a great study day. I can’t access my other personal pages, emails, etc., and I am not able to call home, so I think it is time for me to reacquaint myself with some of the books that I have neglected over the past month.
I feel a lot better this morning than I did last night. I have been railing hard against a wild flood of intrusive thoughts, images, and memories. I’m not sure why there have been so many triggers as of late, but it is what it is. I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay with the things that happened in my past. I suppose the struggle is learning how to let it go.
One of the things I find myself praying to let go of in my life is the resentment I hold over having apologized for the wrongs I committed, yet having received none in return. Even still, I’m not sure that -at this place in time- an apology will do anything. I’m sure that my heart is just as hard as those whom I have been hurt by; and whom I am certain I have likewise hurt. Maybe I’m so angry because I feel the only one required to confess to my wrongs, my pride, my faults.
I think -if I’m to be honest with myself in this moment- that I am scared of what it might mean if I really let everything go. Does it justify what happened? Does it make the statement that what went wrong was okay? Is it a denial of everything I have claimed? I really do stand by everything I have claimed.
I really am sick over this. Christian music is hard to listen to, Christian movies and books are a burden, even Christian art is hard to look at because I don’t see what is being put out; instead I hear the cruel words, the unfair judgements, and that damn cross shaped box that I was made to feel guilty over because I could not fit inside.
Lord, Father, teach me to let go.
I guess one of the burdens I bear that keeps all this crap anchored in place is holding to the non-denominational Christian title. I mean that alone has done so much damage. Vague and confusing doctrine and theology. Fly by the seat of your pants spirituality. Uncertain beliefs. It has been a vex on my spirit. It is not to say that “non-denominational” doesn’t have a place, it is just that it doesn’t have a place with me.
Likewise, though I love Calvary Chapel Poulsbo with all my heart, and they will forever remain my home church, and will be the church I will call home if I find myself back in Washington, Calvary Chapel in general is not for me. The Calvary Chapel Distinctives written by Chuck Smith is filled with so much garbage and heresy that I feel that Calvary Chapel itself is not a healthy place for me to associate with. There are too many elements of personal infallibility, and a lot of dishonesty. Accountability is questionable at best within the parent structure, and the Moses Model, really? If this is what the founder is filtering down into his churches, then that is a place that I need to steer clear of.
It takes a lot to say that. I have heard so many times -in not so blatant a statement- if it ain’t us, then it is weird or sin. I bought into that line of thought for years. I was convinced that if it wasn’t Calvary Chapel then it wasn’t a truly Christian church. I was convinced that Calvary Chapel was to be the lead in all of Christendom, but that all was shattered with the things I have learned of our founder, our movement, etc.
There are some great Calvary Chapel churches out there; don’t get me wrong. I am certain that there must be more like the one I called home. It is just with the things I have learned, seen, heard, experienced, read, researched, I know that it is not the place for me.
I’ve said it. I never thought I would be able to find the strength to say it, but I said it.
So I move on from here. If there are questions or challenges to what I have said, please feel free to question. I don’t mean to harm anyone. I am at a crossroad that must be dealt with and it has taken a long time to get here.

