In the late 1990′s I received a stirring in my spirit to move in the way of ministry. It began in prayer, meditation, and study, and then moved into reaching out to those in the youth subcultures through outreach, evangelism, proclamation of Christ as King, and showing the Love of God in action. Later Reverend Rumble Fish’s Christian Gothic Ministries emerged online and ministered to a sparse minority who felt alone while winning unbelievers to Christ. The ministry thrived and the fruits of the Spirit affirmed the calling. And I put myself away so that Christ would be seen, for it was not by my hands that these things were coming to fruition, but by the empowerment of the Holy Spirit.
It was during this time that I had begun to experience heavy opposition from my contemporaries for my less than traditional approach. I heard it all; I was too young, I offended the Lord through my affiliation with the various subcultures, I walked in sin by maintaining friendships with pagans, but the most frequent accusation which was held against me was superficially based on the clothes that I wore (which resembled the more conservative aspects of the Gothic subculture).
The fruits of the Spirit bore witness and testimony that I walked according to the call of the Father, but my flesh was weak, and the voices of those that I called family grew louder and louder in my ear.
I held out for as long as I could, clinging to the Spirit, but then my eyes lost sight of the Master as I desired once more the acceptance of those who were as close to my heart as family. And foolishly I submitted to the flesh.
I pulled away from the ministry, and focused on justifying myself before my Brothers and Sisters. My clothing didn’t change, my desire to reach out to the abandoned didn’t fade, but I no longer walked in the Spirit as I tried through Flesh to justify myself in their eyes.
My greatest transgression was taking my eyes off of my Loving and eternally sufficient Savior, Christ Jesus. In doing so I lost sight of the goal and of the purpose to which I had been called. I stopped relying on His Grace and looked steadfastly to my own knowledge.
In my Flesh I am insufficient. When I walk according to my Self I am incapable of serving God, and I am incapable of serving His people. When I walk according to my own knowledge I cannot Love, I can give no Grace, I lack Mercy, and I am without His Wisdom. Simply, I fall. And when I took my eyes off Jesus I fell hard.
Eventually I gave up. I withdrew completely into myself. I walked, lost, for years. I gave in to self destructive addictions. I wrapped myself in a garment of Cold and drank from a goblet of Hatred. And like Jonah, I ran from the call to ministry.
During those years the call to ministry never faded. Everywhere I turned I was being pointed in the direction of ministry; letting down my guard every now and again to point a wandering spirit in the direction of Christ. Even during my rebellion against the church -against my brothers and sisters, the Spirit still stirred in me, still compelled me to point others to Christ. But all I could do was point because my voice had been taken from me.
After a time the Lord began to soften my heart to His voice, and I began to follow that familiar Melody. I found myself married and in the military. Life was no longer in my hands. The Lord punctuated this when I signed up not to be military police -which was my original intent- but rather signed up to be a Religious Programs Specialist, which is essentially a Chaplain’s assistant and body guard. I was surrounded by a field of ministry.
In the military I had to go where I was sent, and the Lord used this to deliver me from the unhealthy environment that I called home. He delivered me from the addictive sirens which rejoiced in my misery with songs of “I told you so’s.”
In the time away the Lord pulled the scabs from my wounds so that they would be exposed to Him, and He began to heal and restore my spirit. The call to ministry, which had never left, grew increasingly louder. Nearly three years it took for me to be fully broken and fully surrendered to the Lord once again. Absolutely given over to Him.
I gathered up my idols and offered them up as a burnt offering to the Lord. I was baptized in His spirit and the bleeding and the open wounds were cleansed and allowed to scar over.
It has been only a handful of months since that time and I am wholly surrendered to the Lord, desiring for my decrease that He might increase. I have resumed my studies, and I die daily to my self so that He might shine through me; that all Glory be given to His Holy Majesty.
I give myself over to His call, willing to be a servant to Him and to His people. Not in my Flesh, for the Flesh is eternally insufficient, but through His Spirit and His Grace which is eternally sufficient me.
And so begins, or perhaps resumes, the journey to that which He has called me.
Blessings.
8 May 2008 at 2:30 am
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