I am so invested in them because I was so much a part of them. I had relationships, participated, placed so much faith in their codes, their lead, in their definitions of God and what relationship with God looked like. I placed so much of myself in that place even though I felt more a tolerated guest or an outsider granted permission to observe than a member of the family. And above all I loved them…and I think that somewhere deep down inside I still love them.
My family lays in tatters now, and they have added to the fires unrebuked and unchastised. Unresolved demons I thought I could let go and let lay…the way they always taught…stir and grumble. You don’t address the wrongs, you accept them, forgive, and pretend that nothing is wrong. Just like then, I find that I can’t submit to such bastardization of Scripture for their convenience. Here there is serious sickness.
Personal infallibility can get us nowhere fast. We have all committed heinous acts in the name of pride. I believe he remained silent because he was scared of what could come if he opened his mouth and let the locus fly out. Like then, I can’t fall in line with the training that was given…don’t utter a word unless scripted, and what you say won’t count unless we say you count lest you be a device of Division.
I’m so very sick over all of this. I’m really hurting over all of this. I’m really struggling over all of this. I feel as if I will never find resolution. I feel that nothing I say will ever be heard.
Perhaps the curse is that I’m not really ready to give up. Perhaps my love for them overwhelms my desire to just walk away and leave them to rot. White washed tombs, but if that is all they are, then why can I not leave the brood of vipers to their own toxicity?
I have been bitten,
O you snake and liar.
How your toxin
Courses through these veins.
How your sting pulses
Even after you have gone your way.
What confusion I have found.
What distrust I know!
What sickness festers in the bowels of my belly!
What visions melt away my sight!
Is this the God whom you have given me?
Is this the God whom you demanded I praise?
A god of confusion?
A god of idolatry?
A god of flesh and bone?
How are you so different from the priests
Who say only they can clearly hear God?
How are you so different from those
Who raise veils between men and God?
How are you so different from they
Who excuse sin for false piety and pride?
My heart aches and splinters!
My spirit cries out!
My prayers go out beseeching their redemption!
My life quakes at the heresy I have seen.
Why can I not let go!
Why do their voices
Scream and echo throughout my being?
Why do their faces
Haunt my every step?
O brood who praise in white washed tombs
Awaken to the Love of the LORD your God!
Harken your hearts to the sound of His Voice!
Shatter your icons, your idols, and your images!
Present yourselves broken before Him!
Let not your hearts be hardened!
Let not your ears be deaf!
Let not your eyes be given to blindness!
Be free of the bondage that binds!
Receive the revival of His Spirit!
Away with your false gods,
Away with your false masters!
Make way for the LORD your God
To whom alone recieves Glory and Honor.
Amen.
