Another duty day. It is what it is. I have an early watch coming up, which is nice. It knocks out my day sooner. It looks like today is going to be a great study day. I can’t access my other personal pages, emails, etc., and I am not able to call home, so I think it is time for me to reacquaint myself with some of the books that I have neglected over the past month.
I feel a lot better this morning than I did last night. I have been railing hard against a wild flood of intrusive thoughts, images, and memories. I’m not sure why there have been so many triggers as of late, but it is what it is. I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay with the things that happened in my past. I suppose the struggle is learning how to let it go.
One of the things I find myself praying to let go of in my life is the resentment I hold over having apologized for the wrongs I committed, yet having received none in return. Even still, I’m not sure that -at this place in time- an apology will do anything. I’m sure that my heart is just as hard as those whom I have been hurt by; and whom I am certain I have likewise hurt. Maybe I’m so angry because I feel the only one required to confess to my wrongs, my pride, my faults.
I think -if I’m to be honest with myself in this moment- that I am scared of what it might mean if I really let everything go. Does it justify what happened? Does it make the statement that what went wrong was okay? Is it a denial of everything I have claimed? I really do stand by everything I have claimed.
I really am sick over this. Christian music is hard to listen to, Christian movies and books are a burden, even Christian art is hard to look at because I don’t see what is being put out; instead I hear the cruel words, the unfair judgements, and that damn cross shaped box that I was made to feel guilty over because I could not fit inside.
Lord, Father, teach me to let go.
I guess one of the burdens I bear that keeps all this crap anchored in place is holding to the non-denominational Christian title. I mean that alone has done so much damage. Vague and confusing doctrine and theology. Fly by the seat of your pants spirituality. Uncertain beliefs. It has been a vex on my spirit. It is not to say that “non-denominational” doesn’t have a place, it is just that it doesn’t have a place with me.
Likewise, though I love Calvary Chapel Poulsbo with all my heart, and they will forever remain my home church, and will be the church I will call home if I find myself back in Washington, Calvary Chapel in general is not for me. The Calvary Chapel Distinctives written by Chuck Smith is filled with so much garbage and heresy that I feel that Calvary Chapel itself is not a healthy place for me to associate with. There are too many elements of personal infallibility, and a lot of dishonesty. Accountability is questionable at best within the parent structure, and the Moses Model, really? If this is what the founder is filtering down into his churches, then that is a place that I need to steer clear of.
It takes a lot to say that. I have heard so many times -in not so blatant a statement- if it ain’t us, then it is weird or sin. I bought into that line of thought for years. I was convinced that if it wasn’t Calvary Chapel then it wasn’t a truly Christian church. I was convinced that Calvary Chapel was to be the lead in all of Christendom, but that all was shattered with the things I have learned of our founder, our movement, etc.
There are some great Calvary Chapel churches out there; don’t get me wrong. I am certain that there must be more like the one I called home. It is just with the things I have learned, seen, heard, experienced, read, researched, I know that it is not the place for me.
I’ve said it. I never thought I would be able to find the strength to say it, but I said it.
So I move on from here. If there are questions or challenges to what I have said, please feel free to question. I don’t mean to harm anyone. I am at a crossroad that must be dealt with and it has taken a long time to get here.
21 July 2008 at 1:17 am
Letting it go just means letting it go. You have something greater in the future that is better than all the horribleness of the past that haunts you.
One thing I’ve been thinking about lately is finding a place in today’s Christianity…. I have to go open work now but I’ll say something more later.
21 July 2008 at 9:54 am
Jon,
Ironically, I think we are on the same level. Your point on finding a place in today’s Christianity is important, and something that I have been playing with only recently.
Specifically my question falls upon, what is today’s Christianity? I believe “Christian” and today’s “Christianity” are two very different things. The former is our very lives upon which we live, while the latter seems more related to a culture, counter-culture, or movement. What I have seen demonstrated as today’s “Christianity” resembles more the grotesque bastard child “we” created, “Churchianity,” and is not something I feel that I should be a part of -for sake of Scripture and conscience.
As for simply letting it all go; that is where I find myself weakest in strength, and something upon which I am desperately praying to find the strength I need through Christ to let go. If it happens, I don’t think I will be interested in proclaiming that freedom through words as much as I will be in simply showing the change. Again, however, it cannot be of my own strength, but through Christ our Lord.
Thanks.
Blessings,
-Michael
23 July 2008 at 2:44 am
You said “What I have seen demonstrated as today’s “Christianity” resembles more the grotesque bastard child “we” created, “Churchianity,” and is not something I feel that I should be a part of -for sake of Scripture and conscience”
I am in concert with your opinion. Let me carry it further. God will judge.
Jesus is still the Christ. What we have done will be undone by God. In time, of course.
In the meantime. I worship Him alone.
23 July 2008 at 6:30 am
Dr. T,
Thank you for taking the time to read my very verbose posts, and for leaving feedback. It is greatly welcomed and appreciated.
Regarding: “What I have seen demonstrated as today’s “Christianity” resembles more the grotesque bastard child “we” created, “Churchianity,” and is not something I feel that I should be a part of -for sake of Scripture and conscience”
I am referencing from a limited experience and by no means intend this statement to include all Christendom. By “Today’s Christianity” I am making a pass at what we see from some of our louder contemporaries who emphasize an appearance of cute and acceptable Christianity over a genuine surrender to Christ that calls us to walk upon the path He has set for each of His children. Those who demand a status quo approach rather than recognizing a personal relationship with our Savior.
This, of course, is not to say that I am advocating an “everyone can interpret Scripture in their own way” approach. What I am saying is that sometimes we create standards and build veils that we demand people walk through before they can approach the Lord -essentially destroying the Grace of our Lord.
I hope that this clears up what I meant. However, I do agree that it will ultimately God who will judge.
Again thank you for leaving me much to consider and think on.
Blessings,
Michael