Diary of a Broken Vessel

Come and hear, 
all you who fear God,
And I will declare
what He has done for my soul.
I cried to Him with my mouth,
And He was extolled
with my tongue.
If I regard iniquity in my heart,
The Lord will not hear.
But certainly God has heard me;
He has attended to the voice of my prayer.
Psalm 66:16-19

“If I regard iniquity in my heart, The Lord will not hear.” ( Psalm 66:18 )

re.gard…v. -gard.ed, -gard.ing, -gards. …-vt1. To observe closely. 2. To look on or consider in a specific way (I regard them as fools.) 3. To have great esteem for. 4. Archaic. To relate, concern, or refer to. 5. To consider or take into account. …-vi.1. To look : gaze. 2. To give heed. -n 1. A look : gaze 2. Careful thought or attention : HEED. 3. Respect, affection, or esteem…
-Webster’s II New Riverside University Dictionary

in.iq.ui.ty…n., pl. -ties. …1. Wickedness : sinfulness. 2. A grossly immoral act : SIN.
-Webster’s II New Riverside University Dictionary

If I regard iniquity in my heart, God will not hear me. My cries, my anguish, my praise, everything will literally fall upon deaf ears. Perhaps that is why I am here, now, again upon familar roads. I never learn my lesson. I return time and again throwing pearl before swine and rocks at the song bird.

This is why I write. The opportunity is given to gauge myself honestly and openly. I write and return to that writing to see what secrets lie in wait. Many illuminations have happened this way. Many ills have been done away by this process. I have grown through this simple exercise.

Today I observe my latest writings, comments recieved, and a letter written. Vinegar plays sour on the tongue and I can taste anger’s potent bitterness. The anger itself is not the issue. There are things that have happened about which I should be angry, and have every right to be angry over, but it is what I do with that anger that makes it an issue.

Here is what has happened as of late…

I made the mistake of re-reading -yet again- Chuck Smith’s Calvary Chapel Distinctives the Foundational Principles of Calvary Chapel in a desperate hope to see if maybe, perhaps, somehow, somewhere I missed something; something that would allow me to embrace the Calvary Chapel I thought I knew. That something was no where to be found. Instead I found the same heartache and disgust I had seen the first three times I read the book.

Additionally I have been dealing with a recent surge in the depression, a grotesque influx of intrusive memories, thoughts, images, and echoes, and I found myself reliving old hurts and old wounds. I have been fighting this surge for months now, and somewhere along the line I tripped when I tried to take the fight to my level -that is to say I thought in my pride that I could handle the mess on my own and kept it from the Lord’s hands. Yet here I am, miserable and angry and crafting for myself an idol of anger.

Coming to an understanding of the place…

It is okay to be angry, so long as that anger does not become an idol, and so long as it does not become something that leads you into a downward spiral. The labrynth is a fine place, rather it is the willingness to get lost instead of heeding your Guide, Master, Savior, Shepherd, Lord, that leads to folly. And folly is exactly where I have found myself again.

My brother left a comment on my last post stating:

Letting it go just means letting it go. You have something greater in the future that is better than all the horribleness of the past that haunts you…

I think Jon is right. I hate to admit, it hurts to confess, that I would be better off without all of this. I think perhaps making peace with my past is grasping for the wind. I think it is seeking after vapors. It is an endless race upon the symbol of eternity.

If I can cut free yesterday, then perhaps I’ll have today with the promise of tomorrow.

The Reality…

I know, however that I will never be able to cut free of yesterday. I will never be able rid myself of this Cancerous poison. I will never be able to liberate myself from these ills because I am incapable of letting go. These thoughts, these images, these echoes will always haunt me, so how can I be free?

And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
-2 Corinthians 12:7-10

I am no Paul. No stretch of the imagination could attain that for myself, but what are these things that I experience but a thorn? What are they, but a distraction and a vex to my soul which seeks to take my eyes from my Master, Jesus Christ? I have carried this curse for many many years. I have cried for it to be taken from me time and again, and each time I find the same answer, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”

I can never change what happened, and I can never erase my mind of these memories, but I can rejoice in the Lord who has delivered me from great evil. I can rejoice in the wonderful life I have right before me. I can praise God for He is good. I can take joy in my Treasure. I can forsake my concerns for Him.

I can never change the past, as much as I desire to, but I can forsake it all for Jesus. Perhaps that is just it. Not walking away, but a total forsaking of yesterday.

Standing before her grave I…

It begins by repenting; by turning away from this place of idolatry and turning my eyes towards place of the Lord. It begins by once again forgiving, and forgiving as many times as it takes. It begins by taking my life away from them and giving it to the Lord.

Then forsake them all for the LORD my God who laid down His life that I might receive forgiveness through Jesus Christ.

Now great multitudes went with Him. And He turned and said to them, “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple. And whoever does not bear his cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it— lest, after he has laid the foundation, and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish’? Or what king, going to make war against another king, does not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? Or else, while the other is still a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks conditions of peace. So likewise, whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be My disciple.
-Luke 14:25-33