Diary of a Broken Vessel

I am a sinner saved by Grace through Faith in Jesus Christ. But I’m still a sinner in need of much forgiveness. I am guilty of a sharp tongue and quick anger. I am guilty of a calloused heart. I am guilty of a proud and arrogant way about myself. I am guilty of being judgemental. I am guilty of idolatry.

For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do.
-Romans 7:15

I am not the person I want to be, for I do the things that I desire not to do. I strive to meet the standard, and to do right. I work so hard to be more loving and more compassionate and more humble and more and more like Christ, but always I find myself falling terribly short.

My mind, my heart, the core of my very being desires fervently to live as I am called to live -which is in the likeness of Christ. The flesh and the spirit war savagely against one another, and my spirit is so weak to accomplish its ends for it attempts do so in the flesh which is corrupted by sin and contradicts everything I desire.

It is in this that I realize, or perhaps am reminded, that I am not equipt to live a life that is pleasing to God by my own accord. There is no good work that I can do that will please God because there is nothing good in my flesh.

And we have such trust through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient of ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God, who also made us sufficient as ministers of the new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.
-2 Corinthians 3:4-6

No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I am not sufficient. I can do nothing, but through Christ all things are possible. Through Christ Jesus I find sufficiency and the enablement to walk according to the Spirit.

I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.
-Galatians 2:20

To live according to the Spirit; to heed the call of the Lord, it cannot be something accomplished or set forth by my hands. I must die to myself -meaning I must deny my self on every level- and live in and through Christ. I have done the exact opposite. I have sought for this whole thing to be the work of my own hands that I might boast of the good I have done, but I can do no good. I want, I desire, and in those wants and desires I fail. In Christ, however, there is Life and sufficiency. There is peace and eternal joy.

I have held on to my self for far too long. I have sought to live through myself to please God, and it has gotten me nowhere.

I forget that no matter how hard I work or how hard I try I cannot be the person I’m called to be. I cannot on my own sin less. Why? Because there has been no provision made for me to do the things Christ has called me to by my own knowledge, my own strength, my own wisdom foolishness, or anything else of me. All of it must be done through the Lord.

Nothing for my Glory, but all for Him.

The blessing is that I am insufficient because it brings me to a broken place before my Savior where I must cling tightly to Him. In the death of my self, what was not possible for me to do becomes possible because it is not I who has done it, but Christ who lives His life through me -that is to say His Spirit permeates through my insufficient and broken flesh- that has enabled me to do the task He has set before me. I find the need to decrease so that the Lord may increase in my life.

Lord,

I repent of my striving after idols and foolishness. I repent for trying to be master of my own life. I repent for trying to accomplish the work of Your hand through my flesh that I might boast and say, ‘see what great things I have done in the name of the Lord.’

Lord, I visit this place in my life time and again. I get comfortable and believe that I can handle the world on my own. I want to be glorified, but Lord it is not about me. It can never be about me.

Lord Jesus, I want this life I live to be for You, but only as You will it. Let my eyes never leave You, O Lord, for you are my Strength and my Salvation. Let this life glorify only Your Name. Let it be that no matter how broken or how misguided -yes, Lord, even in my foolishness- that my life would only point the world to You.

Any good thing done does not belong to me. It is by Your Spirit that You empower me for Your work. Let my joy and my satisfaction always be in the knowledge that You are my everything.

In Jesus’ Holy Name

-Amen.