Diary of a Broken Vessel

Forgiven, that is what we first called ourselves before we changed our band’s name to Fortissimo. (An interesting change that may have reflected where we were in that awkward stage of life.) Our first concert was at “The Door” -a building the church of my youth had rented for use as an office, meeting place, youth center, etc. It was the evening of June 3, 1997, Gene (lead guitar and vocals), Luke (backing vocals and guitar), Josh (synthesizers), and myself (drums) performed to a packed house (which was filled with our fellow Jr. Highers who also attended the Tuesday night youth Bible Study).

I don’t know about the others, but I remember being nervous and excited. I felt like it was my opportunity to prove that I can be just as good as Gene, Luke, and Josh. I felt that it was a moment to prove -maybe mostly to myself- that I wasn’t inadequate in comparison. Even if I had proved how amazing I was (or at least as amazing as I wanted them to know I was) it would have meant nothing.

My band mates had something that I didn’t have; Jesus Christ. Oh I pretended I did. I mean I knew all the right answers, I could recite the right Bible verses from memory, I knew the words to the right songs, I hung out with the right people; I was as church as I could be in presentation, but my heart was at enmity with God and I was about to enter a very dark chapter in my life.

I felt empty. I had been dealing with a lifetime of depression, a war that waged within myself, and a secret I didn’t know how to tell. The one thing I longed for was to prove to those whom I loved that I was someone too. I wanted to participate. I wanted to seen as someone of worth like the others were viewed, but I didn’t feel as loved or as worthy. I felt least preferred.

I strived to be as loved as I saw the others, and everytime I felt like I was coming up short. I have many theories as to why that was -my home life felt empty, my social interaction was painfully limited, the violence in my home, I felt unworthy of notice in my own home and hoped to fulfill that need elsewhere, and (the greatest) I was without the saving grace of Jesus Christ.

Shortly after I would walk into a two year storm when my “faith” would be torn asunder, I would entwine myself in a world of pagan beliefs and great immoral practice. Long story short, it would eventually end with me trying to take my own life and the Lord revealing Himself to me in such a way that I could do no other but surrender to Him what He had purchased with His Blood.

After which I would struggle with Faith, Christianity, and church for several years after. In some battles I was in the right, but in others I was so very wrong, and so very misguided. Eventually after a very long journey I would end up right here with still a very long way to go, and still so much to learn.

Sometimes I look back at that day and wonder how things would have been different had I had the Lord genuinely in my life. I wonder what would have been different. How would I have turned out different. I wonder if I would be like those whom I have left behind, would I be as strong in my Faith as I am today? Would I have this heart to serve the Lord and to educate myself on things of the Sacred Scriptures? Would I still be waving the banners of men and not the banner of the Lord my God?

I confess that sometimes I feel hurt when I look back, but it -all of it- was in God’s plan for me. All of it was to His purpose and to His glory. I certainly did not come out unscathed, but not one scar on this heart is outside of the plan of the Father. I am in a better place because of all these things, and it all taught me reliance on God, and has drawn me deeply into His arms.

I’m not sure why I share this, maybe because I watched the ten minute tape of Forgiven’s First Concert with my wife this evening after I found it in a box. Maybe it is because I have been looking back and seeing how God has seen me through a lifetime that should have killed me. Maybe it is because I am at such a loss as how the Holy and mighty God of all creation would save someone as unworthy as me. I don’t know, but I know that I stand in awe of the Father of Lights.

How Deep The Father’s Love for Us
-by Stuart Townend

How deep the Father’s love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that helf Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I knoww that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast inJesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom