Diary of a Broken Vessel

I bear awful grudges. It is my greatest failing, and it is my greatest weakness. I live with wounds that remind me daily of a life gone horribly wrong. And each day I have to learn to forgive all over again.

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.

~Matthew 18:21-22

In a culture where you could forgive up to three times, but never a fourth, Jesus was teaching His disciples to forgive one another as many times as it takes. I have always struggled with this passage because I have seen it so coldly misused as an excuse for those who claim to be of God to continue in their sin and pass off offense as a problem belonging solely to the offended. I have witnessed this passage used to make the hurt feel sinful for being hurt at all.

Over the years, since I left the place of my youth so long ago, I’ve learned differently of this passage. I’ve learned that you can forgive and cut off fellowship. I’ve learned that you can forgive and choose to walk away from unhealthy people. And I’ve learned that this passage is not an offering of excuse for those who choose to carelessly walk in trespass.

What it means is that even after all is said and done, and I have walked away; when the hurt comes rushing in to relive itself within me after a familiar echo has touched my ear; when the old things wish to live again in an obscured light; when my anger begins to grow within me and the hurt comes back in a familiar melody, I am to forgive again.

You see, it is not only that I’m to forgive my brothers and sisters upon each transgression, but also when my weak and frail and imperfect forgiveness begins to fail, and I look back at all the wrongs, and I begin to relive the horrifying hurt that won’t let me rest, I must forgive again. As many times as it takes.

Even if that means…every day.

For this life has not gone horribly wrong at all. It has been in the Father’s hands since the foundation of the world. It was He who saw me safely through gunshot voices, guttural screaming, weapon wielding violence and threats of violence; It was He, my loving Father in Heaven, who saw me safely through absence and neglect. And it was He who redeemed me, reconciled me to Himself, and predestined me for His mercy and grace; a love that I cannot fathom.

It was He that brought me to Himself, brought me to my wife, and brought me to my daughter. It is He that has provided for our small family, and it is He who saw us safely through times that would have otherwise torn apart what God had joined together. And living through tragedy, I cannot help but see the sovereign grace of my Lord, God our Father!, God revealed in Scripture!, for if it were by our free will alone, if it had been left up to me, I would have been murdered by my own hands long ago.

SOLI DEO GLORIA!
SOLI DEO GLORIA!
SOLI DEO GLORIA!

To God alone be all glory!