Diary of a Broken Vessel

One month and twenty-five days ago I wrote something that stirred up quite the controversy with my past. People were hurt as they missed the very meaning and purpose of my words. Publicly I was taken to task by the pastor of the church of my youth, Pastor Gene Pensiero, where he asked me to call him to discuss the hurtful things I had said.

He kept himself at the forefront of my mind by posting comments on my blog, and opposing Reformed Theology poorly and fervently until that following Monday, if I remember correctly, when I called him as promised.

Our call seemed hopeful. Some frightful things came to light, but I had hope that there was sincerity with Gene, and that I could find peace and reconciliation with that place and their shepherds. Gene seemed to genuinely want to work things out; and I laid down my suspicions that he was merely trying to save face and protect his reputation. Maybe it was because I desperately wanted peace.

After our phone call I did a follow up post regarding our conversation; after which conversations with Gene went quiet. I sent a few emails nudging him to find out if he had gone through a file I sent him -a file which emphasized my experience with Calvary Chapel Hanford and my stand that they turn a blind eye to sin for the sake of peace. I was told that I would receive his comments and thoughts on the matter.

The file contained the last correspondence that my father and I have had with one another in which Gene Pensiero was courtesy copied by four different people during the two month conversation to an email address which Gene had confirmed as valid and functional. When the incident took place, somehow he just didn’t receive anything from the individuals involved in the process. Originally when he told me that he had not seen any of the emails during that time, I found it difficult to believe, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

It has been one month and fifteen days since that email, and it has been one month and fifteen days since I wrote my follow up, and what have I received? nothing. No follow up, no “hey we haven’t forgotten you, Mike.” Just nothing. It seems that when Gene Pensiero’s reputation was given benefit, he was done.

And so, now, I understand…

I was raised by self-glorifying men, who encouraged and enabled sin by turning a blind eye to its practice. Who taught me that a godly and moral outward appearance was more important than a life given over to the Lord; and much more important than dealing with sin. Men who taught me that the best way to understand Scripture is in a way that best fits the cross-shaped box we build for it. Men, who by their moralistic deism taught me that peace was to be had at any cost.

And even today there is no change. I was willingly deceived by the smooth words of Pastor Gene Pensiero because I wanted peace more than anything with those who for years I called family. I allowed my hope to get the better of me, and I set aside the truth of what I went through in eager anticipation of making things right.

I am a fool. Time and again I have to be reminded that it is not mine to make right the wrongs that took place. I cannot change hearts. I cannot convince that self-serving, personally-infallible, personality cult of the truth, because they are blinded to anything that takes them away from what they desire to hear.

Gene did not want peace, but his reputation protected. Nothing I’ve ever said about Calvary Chapel mattered until his reputation was put on the line.

There were things discussed in our phone call that further vindicate the things I have said here today, but I gave my word not to disclose those things here.

Truly, the Lord has seen me safely through so much more than -even now- I realize. Daily I learn more and more of God’s unfailing steadfast love that brings His children through the fire.

Soli Deo Gloria!