Sometimes at night, when I can’t sleep, after a long and trying day, I’ll sit back and listen to the silence. The silence, however, is never anywhere to be found. In its stead I hear the whir of overhead vents, doors slamming, muffled conversations of various volume, feet shifting, and loudest of all I hear my thoughts which run without end. The thoughts are rarely ever chosen; I just lay back and listen to what comes.

Tonight a strange question came to mind.

If my mother were alive today, would she be proud of what I’ve become?

This question strikes as strange because I never honestly cared -at least I’m certain I didn’t care- of what my mother thought of me growing up. We had always had a difficult relationship, and it had been my intent to take the hint she often dropped and move out and on with my life as soon as possible. More or less I didn’t care if she was or was not proud; whether she thought highly or lowly of me, so this question is not one I would expect to be numbered even among some of my strangest thoughts. However, I guess this does provide an opportunity to reflect on the past few years since her death.

The Bad

My biological family is in tatters. My father and I don’t talk. We want nothing to do with one another. My middle brother literally hates my youngest brother, my sister, and myself. My sister is…well only God knows where. Only my youngest brother and I share a healthy relationship.

I am -or so it feels- everything I was taught not to be spiritually. I’m a Calvinist, Southern Baptist, concerned theologian, and Reformed. Unafraid of the controversial and uncomfortable. Willing to be honest even when it hurts.

I am distanced from my old life, from old friends, and from the old voices. Some keep an acquaintance’s distance, but I’m not sure I could blame them for wanting to keep space between us.

The Good

I’m a husband and a father who loves his wife and daughter to the uttermost. A husband and father who realizes his incredible shortcomings and is actively seeking to overcome himself, his hurt, his pride, his selfishness. But of course I realize that I can’t do this without first dying to myself, picking up my cross -daily-, and following fervently after Christ.

My youngest brother and I have a great relationship. We can talk about anything, and we have gone through a lot together. We have been there for one another when it seemed the our world stood against us.

I have a wonderful job that I do well. I have a good relationship with those I work with, and I have earned a positive reputation as being a hard and knowledgable worker.

I am -or so it feels- everything I was taught not to be spiritually. I’m a Calvinist, Southern Baptist, concerned theologian, and Reformed. Unafraid of the controversial and uncomfortable. Willing to be honest even when it hurts.

I have healthy relationships around me. I have become a happy person. I express myself without fear. I am myself, and I do the best I can. I recognize my insufficiency apart from Christ. I have faith that is not blind, eyes which see, hands which hold and feel and reach out, and a heart that loves not of its own but because of the Spirit within which permeates through this shell.

And all of this is to say that I don’t know if my mother would be proud of me. I went another way with my life than expected. I did -I believe- accomplish what she wanted most; to find my way without imposing or being a major disruption to her life. I can say I gave her that much.

Lord deliver me from this vanity!

Even so, I’m not sure that it even matters. The journey is not about the pat on the backs, the approval of those around us, the running fruitlessly to and fro to receive the right nods, but about giving up ourselves into the hands of God. To let go of ourselves that Christ may shine through, so that others may see Him.

Lord Jesus, I am yours. Save me!

There are many times when I approach Scripture with an incorrect spirit. Approaching it with the attitude that anything it will have to say will depend on how I feel and what I already think is right. Then I open the Word to only those things that I feel comfortable with, or that excite me. I will read what the Christian life looks like and consider the various moral improvements I need to apply to my life. Finally, I thank God for His advice, ask for the forgiveness of my sins, and go and sin no some lots more.

At some point God in His unfathomable love for this wretched, foolish, self-centered, sin-riddened, blind, deaf, dumb, lame, prone to wander, leper, chastises this lost lamb and tosses me into the fire for refinement. It is not out of cruelty, spite, or to punish this fool, but to correct, refine, break, and ultimately bring this wayward back into His arms; back into a reliance on Him.

I forget, as I think many of us forget, that the Word of God is not a hostage negotiation where I may lay out my demands and my conditions to be met before even consider letting go of stubbornly held presuppositions and personal interpretations. Lord, I only want to see the things that support what I feel is right and just, and nothing else. In return I’ll give you two chapters read, one verse partially memorized out of context, an empty promise to change some moral aspect in my life, and if I’m feeling particularly generous, I’ll throw in a “thank you” as a closing prayer.

I can forget that the Word of God is in fact God’s Word, and in forgetting I fail time and again to give Scripture its proper place in my life; the standard by which all and everything -including especially myself- is measured against. It is the very God-breathed Word delivered once and for all to which I am subject. To be read, obeyed, declared, and never adjusted to fit my small world view.

“For the word of God is living, active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.” (Hebrews 4:12-13).

I’m making shirts! I’ll never have to seach for that right shirt again!

“Is not my word like fire, declares the LORD, and like a hammer that breaks the rock in pieces?” -Jeremiah 23:29 (ESV)

In Christian theology, “I” is not the ultimate condition. “I” does not define holiness, righteousness, mercy, love, or grace. Neither is “I” the standard by which all else is measured.

To put it plainly, “I” has little to with Christian theology. Scripture is not subject to “I,” but rather “I” is to always be subject to Scripture.

#1 Should Christians always strive towards peaceful co-existence even if it means agreeing to disagree on important points of theology; saying nothing as one presents the Christian life as something it is not?

#2 Should Christians always strive towards peaceful co-existence even if it means not discussing with a brother or sister a prominant sin that they cater to in their lives?

#3 Should Christians always strive towards peaceful co-existence even if it means avoiding uncomfortable passages in the Scripture?

#4 Is peace at all cost safe, sound, or even Scriptural?

(Please Elaborate on your answers.)

When do we (Christians) stop trying to avoid the uncomfortable and engage in difficult and profitable discussion? Are we not called to strive towards one accord? If we are to come to such a calling, why do we stop when things get uncomfortable and “agree to disagree?” How are we to be honest with those on the outside if we cannot first be honest with those on the inside?

To every bus driver who has taken me from here to there, to every person who has cooked and served my food, to every person who delivered my mail, picked up my garbage, cleaned my schools and kept them running smoothly, washed my dishes, cleaned my city streets, kept my sewers flowing smoothly, worked on my roads, picked my produce, prepared the meat I buy at the store, to everyone who has done the jobs I could do, but just don’t want to do…

Thank you. Thank you for what you do, so that I can enjoy the easy life. Thank you for giving me the things that I so often take for granted, and would be hurt to do without.

It is amazing the work the Lord will do in our lives. Today I took some time to reflect on the lingering affects of the PTSD that once ruled my life. The nightmares have greatly subsided. I’m finding that I am distancing myself from the programmed responses and reactions. My thoughts are no longer completely consumed with the “what happened“. The intrusive memories and images don’t provoke me to hostility any longer. And at once I feel at peace with all that transpired.

Not too long ago I wanted explanations, apologies, confession of guilt, but today none of it really matters. Truth be told, I’m a better person because of the whole ordeal.

Our Father in heaven, hallowed be Your Name. Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

I understand, better now, that what happened to my siblings and I was a result of sin. It was fallen nature in action. And yet, it was not outside of God’s plans or purpose. He didn’t look upon the Brewer household and say, “Oh my, I can’t believe this is happening. That is so not what I intended. They’ve frustrated my plans!“

No, God was not taken off guard. He set us there intentionally. Though some would argue that as being completely unfair or cruel, I don’t see it that way at all. God used Pharaoh to reveal Himself and His power to the people of Egypt. Likewise God revealed Himself to me and to my youngest brother by the situation we had found ourselves in. He equipped us through every trial for the works He had prepared for us to do in the future. He brought us into His arms and into His saving Grace. Even today with our family in tatters, we still look to Him as the Author and Finisher of our Salvation.

Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.

I find myself in a place of rest and peace. The faces don’t trigger hostility or aggression any longer. I don’t desire explanations, confessions, or requests of forgiveness. The intrusive memories and images now only serve as a reminder of the Grace that God poured out on two very foolish men.

The Lord has granted me forgiveness and the ability to forgive. He provided, each day, the strength to persevere, and I understand that now. I can see how the Lord’s hand was with us in every moment.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

It would have been easy to give up and give in. We could have accepted the lie of cheap faith and fire insurance. We also could have just as easily rejected fully everything in pursuit of other ways. Instead, the Lord granted us His irresistible grace. We could do no other but run to Him. And in His grace and in His love for us, He scattered us far from the house in which we lived.

My brother and I were separated from our natural environment, and with the loud noises out of our ears, we could hear the Lord’s calling. We are His sheep and we know His voice.

Because He placed us in the exact moment where He desired us, we now find ourselves strong in Him, capable in Him, able to Love by and through Him, and living only by Him.

And I…

I rejoice in Lord, for all things work together for good for those who are called according to His purpose.

“As sure as God puts His children in the furnace he will be in the furnace with them” -Charles H. Spurgeon

In the furnace is where I stand.

I don’t expect you to understand…but I never expected you to try. Your quiet says everything…

I can’t sleep. The insomnia is still biting at my heals. And in the darkness, swaying to the rhythm of the ocean, wide-eyed and mind racing, I think of all of you. And I realize something that both scares and comforts me in one breath. The memories, the intrusive thoughts, the whispers in the back of my mind, aren’t provoking me to anger because…I’m not angry anymore.

The ghosts -that haunted me for years- are fading from my mind. The voices -that tortured me with reminders of old hurt- are becoming distant. And somehow they just don’t seem as important as they used to. There is something renewed, something that feels healthy, something that brings peace in the face of the storm.

Have I forgiven? Have I moved on? I’m different…I love and pray. I seek the mind of Christ. I give it all up to the Lord that I might bless and not curse. Not in my strength, not in my doing, but in Him who calls me His own.

And I desire to reach out, and call out, but I don’t know if you would hear, so I simply pray and walk along this road which has brought me far from the hole in which I have fallen so many times.

I’m imperfectly walking. I’ll never have what you wanted me to have. I’ll never get what you wanted me to get, but I’m certain that it is better this way. I’ve transitioned? I’m in another place and because of it we can…dialogue? Dialogue because you aren’t my foundation any longer. You aren’t the security blanket I once needed. And it is this grace given by the Lord that allows me to do as I ought -as a bird ought fly, as a fish ought swim- which is to love and pray; seeking the Lord first and foremost.

Look I have feet, and God-given ground to place those feet. Now to try them out.

People I thought about this evening:

Jeff
Roger
Molly

I love you guys.

Blessings,

Michael